Being Over 50

Being Over 50 gives you a licence to have fun. So, here are a few Jokes and Quotes for all you Boomers and Seniors.

I found them on various sites, including DigitalDreamDoor.com which has a lot of funny stuff. I think that you will relate to many of them.

The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

3. You sing along with elevator music.

4. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

5. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

6. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

9. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

12. Your eyes won't get much worse.

A few quotes from Frank Zappa. Most people Over 50 will remember Frank as an unusual, but creative, musician from the 70s. A very deep thinking, complex guy was our Frank.....as you can tell from these quotes.

1. Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.

2. Stupidity is the basic building block of the universe.

3. There is no hell. There is only France.

4. It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner.

5. A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it's not open.

6. If we can't be free at least we can be cheap.

7. Sometimes you got to get sick before you can feel better.

8. You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

9. Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?

10. Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

11. There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

12. Let's not be too rough on our own ignorance, it's what makes America great.

Now, here are a few Quotes from George Carlin, who always seems to make lots of sense.......as do most good Comedians. Not all of George's quotes are directed at the Over 50 population, but most of them could be.

1. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

2. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

3. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

4. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

5. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

6. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

7. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

8. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

10. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

11. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

12. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

13. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

14. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

15. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

16. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Now that we are all Over 50, it’s unlikely that we would use any of these answers when pulled over by the Police, but..... I bet you used some of them in the 50s, 60s or 70s. I know that I did.

When Pulled Over By A Cop, Never Answer Like This...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas and Australia).

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

6. If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.

7. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

8. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

9. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

10. Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

11. Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

12. Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

13. Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

14. A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind.

15. Do you know who I am?

16. Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

17. Whoops, that's the fake licence... here ya go, this is the one.

18. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

19. Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

20. You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.

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